This is Who I Am Brainstorming/Outline
This is Who I Am Peer Editing
Ambrose (Organization)
4
The organization is pretty good because you have a pretty nice transition from one sentence to another. It is very organized and it I can understand it easy. You sometimes overemphasized unimportant points which doesn’t make the paper as direct as it can be.
Ambrose (Ideas/Content)
4
The ideas make the paper really interesting and it also makes the paper sound powerful. The emotions are pretty abundant though I feel like it seems like its put on there because you have to and not because its integrated into the paper.
Hudson – Word Choice: 5
Excellent word choice! It’s added this flavor to the whole paper, and it shows that you know what words to use when. Also using words with the same meaning to describe the door was really effective in helping me imagine an 8 year old struggling to open the door for an old lady.
Hudson – Sentence Fluency: 5
Your sentences flow together really well, and the difference in sentence types (e.g. paragraph 2 with the door and describing the old lady) really clicks together well and makes it more interesting. but there are a lot of lists which are far apart but eventually could become a nuisance to read. (but i dont think they’re that bad, you did good!) overall you did a great job yo 
Gideon Woo – Voice 5
You manage to make everything sound like an epic war film.
Gideon Woo – Mechanics 4.5
Extremely small errors that are easily fixed. Otherwise, no problems.
Trevor Kwan
August 26, 2013
This is Who I Am Reflection Questions
Open your essay, This is Who I Am and refer to the feedback from your peers and from your instructor. Reflect on your writing and thoughtfully answer the following questions:
- What were the strengths of your paper? What did you do particularly well, what do you have to be proud of? What are the best elements that you could build on?
The strengths of my paper lie within the introductory paragraph and the first paragraph after it. I did particularly well in the intro because I incorporated some humor into it, being a bit silly about being handsome. My next paragraph was also particularly strong because I wrote to tell a story, not to just give factual information. I presented my benevolent characteristic trait using vivid imagery in a story-like manner. Some of my best elements that I could build on would be the humor and stories to further engage the reader.
2.What are some weaknesses in the paper that you could address?
Several weaknesses that I could address would be the lack of humor and storytelling towards the middle and end part of the paper. Because you said that this was a college entrance paper I thought some element of serious information should be included. As it turns out, it is the humor and engaging stories that you need to write in order to captivate the reader. The serious parts was supposed to be considered the weaker parts of the paper, but the parts with humor and examples of stories stronger.
3.If you had a chance to start this assignment over from scratch, what might you do differently and why?
If I were to start this assignment from scratch, I would most definitely keep my humor in the introductory paragraph and my story in the other paragraph. Some things that I would change would be to give a real life example and story-like illustration for every one of the characteristics that I claimed to have instead of just stating it out in a professional, serious manner.
4.What have you learned from this assignment that you could use to be a better writer on future assignments? Choose ONE area of improvement that you really want to focus on for upcoming assignments. What is it? Explain how you can improve on this element of your writing. Upload answers 1-4 to this Schoology dropbox.
From this assignment, I have learned that humor and story illustrations are essential to writing better in a paper. One area of improvement that I would like to focus on and improve on would be including short examples, illustrations, or stories to bring my paper to life. Doing this, I would give the reader a clear picture of who I am and the visual representations would capture their imagination. To improve on this particular skill, I would have to make sure I explain my writings in story format, so that I can “show” the reader not just “tell” them. I could use vivid imagery and clever ideas to bring the story to life.
Trevor Kwan
August 16, 2013
This is Who I Am Final Copy
In life there are the intellectuals, the musically talented, and the handsome guys. I just happen to fall into every one of those categories. Some know me for my compassion, others know me for my kindness, but above all, my determination shines bright.
At the age of 8, I was bursting with benevolence. It was 7 am in the morning where I had situated myself within Jubilee Plaza in Fotan. There I was, standing in front of a glass door, with my head held high, eyeing every human being that were to stumble by. An old lady limped towards me, sluggish, frail, and weak. Immediately this stimulated the compassion inside my heart and I sprang into action. The door was heavy. The door was massive. The door was burdensome. But in the end, my willingness to persevere as a kindhearted servant triumphed over the pain. She looked at me with a thankful, grateful smile, and I knew that my unforgettable deed had indeed made a difference.
From tedious tests to hefty homework loads, my assiduous, diligent, and persevering qualities have always been evident. While obstacles, hardships, and exams may relentlessly throw themselves at me, I stand courageously on the fields of schoolwork, tackling every bit of work that would dare to face me. The work may take seconds, minutes, or even hours, but at the end of the day, the satisfaction of fulfilling my duty rewards me greatly.
In addition to my persistent nature, I am also a leader at heart. In our world nowadays that is inundated with sin, it takes a truly brave, strong, and fearless individual to be a positive role model in the eyes of many. As a student in a Christian school, what is taught in my Bible classes may not always be portrayed in everyday life. When a fellow classmate in being helplessly bullied or tortured, not only do I not join in with the wicked ways of bullying, but I make the effort to comfort the victim. Sometimes, it only takes one to do right, and others will follow. Noticing my noble actions, bystanders may be inspired to take virtuous action. When I abstain from wrongdoing and spread my kindness and encouragement to the world, I am a light to others, and my charisma defines who I am.
I also have a talent in music. At the age of 4, I started taking piano lessons, encountering exam after exam, each successive testing being much more challenging than its preceding one. 10 years later, I had reached the eighth level, and secured my minor pianist career with a solid pass in grade eight. If the word victorious had meaning, this was it. Upon the discovery of my musical abilities, I now play a grand total of 4 instruments consisting of the piano, guitar, trumpet, and drums.
Not only are my mental capabilities exceedingly exceptional, my physical capabilities allow me to excel in several racket sports. Badminton, ball hockey, tennis, and table tennis are a couple of sports in which I let my racket skills thrive. Although I may not ever be a professional sports player in any one of those athletic exercises, I do consider myself fairly decent in comparison to other dedicated players.
From the second I was born, I was born with a persevering and determined heart to work. It was only through my dedicated nature that I was able to develop my intellectual abilities, musical talents, leadership qualities, physical capabilities, and the willingness to serve others.
trevorwritingmasterkwan 